All the last days are splitting into blurry picture. Bad days duetted with the days of truly awesomeness. Slow down and think about it, think about today:
Today I'm turning seventeen. I hate my b-day. It is nice seeing myself being older and probably not such a dork as I was a year ago. The only reason why I'm often disappointed about birthdays is, that everybody cares, everyoby hugs me like I was a putty doll, they want to kiss me on my forehead, they want to give me a present, loads of presents, they want me to blow out the candles on a cake, the chocolate cake with bananas for the god's SAKE! They want me to make a wish and I wish all the time the same thing. I hate it because I know nobody will even ask how I am on the next day. They won't come over for a cup of tea. Because birthday is the only day when everyoby cares. I wish they would care all the time. Not just on some pink-encircled day in their fucking calendar. They don't have to give me presents everyday, they don't have to bake me a cake, the unhealthy pile of disgusting food and I feel like kicking them in the back of their head when I see them taking pictures of me unwrapping presents and I want to say "Get the hell off when you're acting like this only on my birthday!", I just want them to care.
I like the weather in the last days. I like when the sun shines and then it starts to drizzle, what calms you down and then sun shines again. It's the same thing with my mood. I'm sometimes absolutely happy and then I'm down in the dumps. It's because there are times, when my friends are over and make me laugh, but when they're left I start to think about stuff I feel in previous months and all good mood is gone like the rain. I constantly feel a lack of something and I really don't know what it is. That's the why I'm offensive, why I say to my friends ugly things. It feels like I want them to feel bad and so that they will understand how I feel. Anyway, it's useless because they won't. It will just destroy our friendship. Destroy our friendship. I should repeat it a number of times and maybe I'll stamp deep into my head that doing this it's a bad thing. I love them, I really love them and I'm hurting them because I dunno.
Personally I think the only outlet from this situation is to find a boyfriend. Someone I could concentrate most of my thoughts on. This is what I'm missing. This is what I wish with every blown out candle. To meet someone I could rely on. My friends they keep saying it's better to be single and thereby you're not sad, when your boyfriend kicks your ass. But this is worse. I feel absolutely nothing. No happiness, no sorrow, no long-lasting joy. I want to love someone with a passion, but who I'm supposed to love?
I would like to even feel pain instead of this awful nothing. This lack of something. I would like to change anything, like moving to another country, whatever, I just want to feel whatever emotion.
Maybe something is really wrong with me. There are loads of guys I could date to, but I don't do it just because they don't suit my imagination of a perfect guy. I have high expectations about people and so that I have so fucking little friends. Fill those expectations is almost impossible and I should change it and I don't know how.
Now I'm done. I do feel better.
Today I'm turning seventeen. I hate my b-day. It is nice seeing myself being older and probably not such a dork as I was a year ago. The only reason why I'm often disappointed about birthdays is, that everybody cares, everyoby hugs me like I was a putty doll, they want to kiss me on my forehead, they want to give me a present, loads of presents, they want me to blow out the candles on a cake, the chocolate cake with bananas for the god's SAKE! They want me to make a wish and I wish all the time the same thing. I hate it because I know nobody will even ask how I am on the next day. They won't come over for a cup of tea. Because birthday is the only day when everyoby cares. I wish they would care all the time. Not just on some pink-encircled day in their fucking calendar. They don't have to give me presents everyday, they don't have to bake me a cake, the unhealthy pile of disgusting food and I feel like kicking them in the back of their head when I see them taking pictures of me unwrapping presents and I want to say "Get the hell off when you're acting like this only on my birthday!", I just want them to care.
I like the weather in the last days. I like when the sun shines and then it starts to drizzle, what calms you down and then sun shines again. It's the same thing with my mood. I'm sometimes absolutely happy and then I'm down in the dumps. It's because there are times, when my friends are over and make me laugh, but when they're left I start to think about stuff I feel in previous months and all good mood is gone like the rain. I constantly feel a lack of something and I really don't know what it is. That's the why I'm offensive, why I say to my friends ugly things. It feels like I want them to feel bad and so that they will understand how I feel. Anyway, it's useless because they won't. It will just destroy our friendship. Destroy our friendship. I should repeat it a number of times and maybe I'll stamp deep into my head that doing this it's a bad thing. I love them, I really love them and I'm hurting them because I dunno.
Personally I think the only outlet from this situation is to find a boyfriend. Someone I could concentrate most of my thoughts on. This is what I'm missing. This is what I wish with every blown out candle. To meet someone I could rely on. My friends they keep saying it's better to be single and thereby you're not sad, when your boyfriend kicks your ass. But this is worse. I feel absolutely nothing. No happiness, no sorrow, no long-lasting joy. I want to love someone with a passion, but who I'm supposed to love?
I would like to even feel pain instead of this awful nothing. This lack of something. I would like to change anything, like moving to another country, whatever, I just want to feel whatever emotion.
Maybe something is really wrong with me. There are loads of guys I could date to, but I don't do it just because they don't suit my imagination of a perfect guy. I have high expectations about people and so that I have so fucking little friends. Fill those expectations is almost impossible and I should change it and I don't know how.
Now I'm done. I do feel better.
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