There was nothing wrong about meeting Soon Jae that thursday. There was something wrong with me. All those muffin-sharing, iced frappuccino-swapping and pulling me aside and side-hugging, d'you think it meant anything? But he said "friend". And I said "yeah". And there it was - I sat on a swing in children's playground about ten o'clock in the evening and said to myself maybe it was not the best choice. We even went to a comic book store. We even squat on the pavement. Orphaned. That's not the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. This crisis even involved playing football with my little cousin. Eventually this involves also a good pack of inspiration similar to that inspiration which you get when you read Chuck Palahniuk's personal short stories, which are so awkwardly funny.
Today I went to Bratislava for the InterStudy appointment and what I most of the time did was eavesdropping phone conversation of a administrator and a father of high school program new joined son in US. She told him very briefly and politely that she got to know that his son had made friendships with doubtful guys and he better calls him to tell him to find new friends. And I watched it in awe and thought - geez, if I was abroad and they informed my parents everytime I'd go out, I wouldn't be happy. Still, I'd go. Because when you miss someone, it's not as painful as when you realise that nobody misses you. That football match - I lost 11:15. Sad. That's not the right word either...

You know the guy from France who picked up No Distance Left to Run into his five-songs-which-mean-something-to-me list? I had a dream about him. He was hugging me and when I asked why, he said No reason. It's kinda creepy. Maybe I'm even more creepy, when I talk way too much in these days. And what is more, I talk to people from my school I have never talked to before. But honestly, they started.
This week's evenings includes canned tangerines, watching sitcoms and crying when seeking through mailbox, because I started to look closer on that HELL, HE'S FROM KOREA!!!-issue. I know this is what I wanted and this is what I need so much now, but I don't know if these are feelings to him or it's just I-need-someone-whoever-it-is. Anyway I hope it will work out and we will meet in Vienna tomorrow even if it could be harmful. Now I will go and change my bed sheets for those with Batman all over it and think whatever you want.

I have watched all epizodes of Big Bang Theory but the last, which I left for a lousy evening. Yesterday, above everything, I've already figured out how to send text message to Soon Jae, but I still think it didn't work, because he hadn't mentioned any text message, when he wrote me an email this morning. Well, it was actually yesterday late night, but waking up with something like this, it just makes your day. Which reminds me that Matt could have also written.
We had a family lunch yesterday and I was regretting it in the late afternoon, because I always regret it and this time especially just because I was sick and you know how I hate taking those pills. But it was fun convincing everyone that I am dying. Which I was not, apparently.
Today I was out with Dominika doing the same stuff as usual - discussing my problems. I can't help myself those days, when I'm so chatty. I told her I have been searching for photos of the school she's going to in September, considering me probably sending an application letter to this university as well and I was amazed by the city and student accommodation and I know it's gonna be mind-blowing. I also put in remembrance Linda and her Scotland-exploring and I don't know how exactly she is, but hopefully I'll keep up soon.

CES Student Card as a bookmark, a human being as endless source of inspiration. I haven't updated CheapTherapy (I deliberately don't call it by its correct name) for a while, but it doesn't mean I am not sick. Apart from missing everything what could be somehow connected with my personal kingdom of addiction, I don't care about others talking I-wanna-kill-myself and My-life-sucks shits howsoever it does sound arrogant and I don't feel comfortable with it, but I can say I am over this. My mother informed me today about upcoming family session next week, which was surprising, because I usually get to know about this stuff one day before.
I felt so nice in the most english way when my hair was sticked with hairspray more than ever before and wayfarers skidded on my nose and then there was a farewell. Pseudo-singing Be Safe and me shouting Stop! Well, yeah, Stop!

I'm asking Where has your love gone?, or, to put it right - Where has the all love gone? and sitting there in my room, where everything smells like coconut because I have put coconut sun lotion on my arms even though I was all the day at home. The factor was 20, if you want to know. If I'll have to get asleep whilst listening to Interpol's Mind Over Time, then I don't know.
I can clearly imagine the saturday night, the while when I wished to take a screen shot of that feeling, leave it in memory exactly the way how awesome it was. I want to close my eyes and see it again. Now, when I close my eyes I can see myself wrecking and ruining and I don't know what I'm expecting from my friends, they're not my life savers or anything, because in conclusion nobody will save you and when you're not able to save yourself on your own, noone will do it instead of you. Noone will help you.
Damn, it really drives me mad that Arctic Monkeys didn't play A Certain Romance. He still hasn't written back and I hate myself being clingy. DAMN! And yeah, maybe I should have used Delete instead of Caps Lock. And I'm asking Does it offend you, yeah?

All the last days are splitting into blurry picture. Bad days duetted with the days of truly awesomeness. Slow down and think about it, think about today:
Today I'm turning seventeen. I hate my b-day. It is nice seeing myself being older and probably not such a dork as I was a year ago. The only reason why I'm often disappointed about birthdays is, that everybody cares, everyoby hugs me like I was a putty doll, they want to kiss me on my forehead, they want to give me a present, loads of presents, they want me to blow out the candles on a cake, the chocolate cake with bananas for the god's SAKE! They want me to make a wish and I wish all the time the same thing. I hate it because I know nobody will even ask how I am on the next day. They won't come over for a cup of tea. Because birthday is the only day when everyoby cares. I wish they would care all the time. Not just on some pink-encircled day in their fucking calendar. They don't have to give me presents everyday, they don't have to bake me a cake, the unhealthy pile of disgusting food and I feel like kicking them in the back of their head when I see them taking pictures of me unwrapping presents and I want to say "Get the hell off when you're acting like this only on my birthday!", I just want them to care.
I like the weather in the last days. I like when the sun shines and then it starts to drizzle, what calms you down and then sun shines again. It's the same thing with my mood. I'm sometimes absolutely happy and then I'm down in the dumps. It's because there are times, when my friends are over and make me laugh, but when they're left I start to think about stuff I feel in previous months and all good mood is gone like the rain. I constantly feel a lack of something and I really don't know what it is. That's the why I'm offensive, why I say to my friends ugly things. It feels like I want them to feel bad and so that they will understand how I feel. Anyway, it's useless because they won't. It will just destroy our friendship. Destroy our friendship. I should repeat it a number of times and maybe I'll stamp deep into my head that doing this it's a bad thing. I love them, I really love them and I'm hurting them because I dunno.
Personally I think the only outlet from this situation is to find a boyfriend. Someone I could concentrate most of my thoughts on. This is what I'm missing. This is what I wish with every blown out candle. To meet someone I could rely on. My friends they keep saying it's better to be single and thereby you're not sad, when your boyfriend kicks your ass. But this is worse. I feel absolutely nothing. No happiness, no sorrow, no long-lasting joy. I want to love someone with a passion, but who I'm supposed to love?
I would like to even feel pain instead of this awful nothing. This lack of something. I would like to change anything, like moving to another country, whatever, I just want to feel whatever emotion.
Maybe something is really wrong with me. There are loads of guys I could date to, but I don't do it just because they don't suit my imagination of a perfect guy. I have high expectations about people and so that I have so fucking little friends. Fill those expectations is almost impossible and I should change it and I don't know how.
Now I'm done. I do feel better.