Nothing interesting happens in our town. It's a quite, peaceful, flat town. Only a couple of days ago there was a motorbike race. Hundreds of shiny, glamorous motorcycles speeded through the main road. Due to this race, due to closed main road, duct taped, all other vehicles had to go through byroads. I live in a house in the first possible side road, right up next to the main road. Cars, trucks, whatsoever, they all crossing our street. It felt like a highway. It felt like a highway by my window. This touchable noise, it was like a highway to me.

Every day I tiptoe, nails on my feet painted with fading red colour when closing the window, watching impartially morning gloom.
Today I went home in the middle of school time partly because of unbearable cramps and maybe I was just sick from that friends' chatting about prom hairstyles in free lesson. All I can remember was me unintelligibly murmuring a name of a painkiller, my friend dragging me out of class and curling up on cold dirt floor. All I remember is my dad saying jokes when I almost vomited across the backseat. Deep intake of breathe and I thought of Crash.
Sometimes in the bus I look at those people and think: They are just like papier-mâché figures, hollow inside and their surface painted in glow rainbowy colour, so vivid and so sharp. I imagine the paint on faces ebbing away and I can see wrecking of thin paper which are papier-mâché figures made from. When you do not like things around you, you can change them.
Every day I open window before I go to sleep and want to yell loudly into the dusty air NEW LOVE GROWS ON TREES!
And when there's nothing else to change -, you just change yourself.

There was nothing wrong about meeting Soon Jae that thursday. There was something wrong with me. All those muffin-sharing, iced frappuccino-swapping and pulling me aside and side-hugging, d'you think it meant anything? But he said "friend". And I said "yeah". And there it was - I sat on a swing in children's playground about ten o'clock in the evening and said to myself maybe it was not the best choice. We even went to a comic book store. We even squat on the pavement. Orphaned. That's not the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. This crisis even involved playing football with my little cousin. Eventually this involves also a good pack of inspiration similar to that inspiration which you get when you read Chuck Palahniuk's personal short stories, which are so awkwardly funny.
Today I went to Bratislava for the InterStudy appointment and what I most of the time did was eavesdropping phone conversation of a administrator and a father of high school program new joined son in US. She told him very briefly and politely that she got to know that his son had made friendships with doubtful guys and he better calls him to tell him to find new friends. And I watched it in awe and thought - geez, if I was abroad and they informed my parents everytime I'd go out, I wouldn't be happy. Still, I'd go. Because when you miss someone, it's not as painful as when you realise that nobody misses you. That football match - I lost 11:15. Sad. That's not the right word either...

You know the guy from France who picked up No Distance Left to Run into his five-songs-which-mean-something-to-me list? I had a dream about him. He was hugging me and when I asked why, he said No reason. It's kinda creepy. Maybe I'm even more creepy, when I talk way too much in these days. And what is more, I talk to people from my school I have never talked to before. But honestly, they started.
This week's evenings includes canned tangerines, watching sitcoms and crying when seeking through mailbox, because I started to look closer on that HELL, HE'S FROM KOREA!!!-issue. I know this is what I wanted and this is what I need so much now, but I don't know if these are feelings to him or it's just I-need-someone-whoever-it-is. Anyway I hope it will work out and we will meet in Vienna tomorrow even if it could be harmful. Now I will go and change my bed sheets for those with Batman all over it and think whatever you want.

I have watched all epizodes of Big Bang Theory but the last, which I left for a lousy evening. Yesterday, above everything, I've already figured out how to send text message to Soon Jae, but I still think it didn't work, because he hadn't mentioned any text message, when he wrote me an email this morning. Well, it was actually yesterday late night, but waking up with something like this, it just makes your day. Which reminds me that Matt could have also written.
We had a family lunch yesterday and I was regretting it in the late afternoon, because I always regret it and this time especially just because I was sick and you know how I hate taking those pills. But it was fun convincing everyone that I am dying. Which I was not, apparently.
Today I was out with Dominika doing the same stuff as usual - discussing my problems. I can't help myself those days, when I'm so chatty. I told her I have been searching for photos of the school she's going to in September, considering me probably sending an application letter to this university as well and I was amazed by the city and student accommodation and I know it's gonna be mind-blowing. I also put in remembrance Linda and her Scotland-exploring and I don't know how exactly she is, but hopefully I'll keep up soon.

CES Student Card as a bookmark, a human being as endless source of inspiration. I haven't updated CheapTherapy (I deliberately don't call it by its correct name) for a while, but it doesn't mean I am not sick. Apart from missing everything what could be somehow connected with my personal kingdom of addiction, I don't care about others talking I-wanna-kill-myself and My-life-sucks shits howsoever it does sound arrogant and I don't feel comfortable with it, but I can say I am over this. My mother informed me today about upcoming family session next week, which was surprising, because I usually get to know about this stuff one day before.
I felt so nice in the most english way when my hair was sticked with hairspray more than ever before and wayfarers skidded on my nose and then there was a farewell. Pseudo-singing Be Safe and me shouting Stop! Well, yeah, Stop!

I'm asking Where has your love gone?, or, to put it right - Where has the all love gone? and sitting there in my room, where everything smells like coconut because I have put coconut sun lotion on my arms even though I was all the day at home. The factor was 20, if you want to know. If I'll have to get asleep whilst listening to Interpol's Mind Over Time, then I don't know.
I can clearly imagine the saturday night, the while when I wished to take a screen shot of that feeling, leave it in memory exactly the way how awesome it was. I want to close my eyes and see it again. Now, when I close my eyes I can see myself wrecking and ruining and I don't know what I'm expecting from my friends, they're not my life savers or anything, because in conclusion nobody will save you and when you're not able to save yourself on your own, noone will do it instead of you. Noone will help you.
Damn, it really drives me mad that Arctic Monkeys didn't play A Certain Romance. He still hasn't written back and I hate myself being clingy. DAMN! And yeah, maybe I should have used Delete instead of Caps Lock. And I'm asking Does it offend you, yeah?